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I've been back at work now for about a month. Two of those weeks were full time and two of those nights were call nights. We're all still standing. :) Actually, life at work is seeming a little more doable. We're getting into our new routine, and it seems to be working. It is so difficult to be away from Eva during the day, but she has been so lucky to be cared for by such wonderful and loving friends and relatives. If it takes a village, I have to thank mine. To Cheryl, Mary, Christianne, Anna, and amazingChris(I've renamed him), thank you for making it a little easier to be at work. I can only manage it because I know she is being so well cared for and loved in my absence. You are all amazing and Eva is lucky to spend time with you and your families.
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People tell me that they are happy to see me accomplish my dream of becoming a doctor. It is good to accomplish goals, but if it were only my dream at this point that motivated me, I would probably have quit when little Eva came into the picture. Her well-being has eclipsed a lot of things I once thought were important. I'm running this marathon for a lot of reasons right now, and my own desires are probably at the bottom of the list, or not there at all. Parenthood has made me realize how selfish I was before. Having a little person who depends on you for absolutely everything induces an amazing frameshift. I like it. I like that my love for her pushes me to not be me-centered. And I didn't think I was so me-centered before she was born. But you realize that until you have to serve someone so much, so often, it's easy to have your own comfort and preferences be preeminent.
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Eva smiles. Eva sleeps (6 1/2 hours last night at one stretch!!). Eva melts my heart completely. Life is busier with a baby, but my daily joy has multiplied and deepened. She is an amazing gift.
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Chris deserves a "Husband/Dad of the Year" award. He is so amazing with little Eva, probably because he has so much time with her. Watching their daddy-daughter bond grow is precious. It melts my heart when he says things like, "I've found it really helps her get to sleep if I rub her face like this," or "Her diapers seem to stay on well when I fasten them like this." He is a very hands-on Dad and more spectacular at the job than I could've imagined.
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I had a patient come in the other day who was complaining of a vague abdominal pain. I looked at her check-in sheet to look for any other details the nurse had gathered, and walked into the room. We chatted for a few minutes and she described her symptoms. "My heartburn has been a little worse, but it doesn't feel quite like that is what's causing it. I'm not really nauseous and don't have any fevers." I was going through a list in my mind of what I thought could be ailing her when she said, "By the way...did my pregnancy test come back yet?"
Surprised, I looked down at my laptop to see if any results had been put in her file yet. No one had mentioned to me that they were running a pregnancy test (she probably asked the nurse to run it, and they didn't catch me before I went into the room to let me know). I clicked on the tab to update her screen, and "Pregnancy Test: Positive" popped up in front of me.
"Oh!" I said, "You're pregnant!"
She started crying. "I have a four and a half month old," she said. "I have four kids...we were supposed to be done. My husband was going to get a vasectomy in the next few months."
Woops.
This is the part of doctoring that I find interesting and tricky. It is so easy to want to slip into the 'friend' role and comfort someone from that standpoint. But I also need to balance that with my professional role. I probably go a little more to the friend role with patients like these, for better or worse. We talked about how the test wasn't 100% accurate, how caboose babies are often the best ('but that is how my fourth one is!') and how breastfeeding is obviously not a perfect form of birth control. We talked for a while and by the time she left, she was at least laughing a little bit.
I definitely feel for her. If I were in her shoes, I would be announcing baby #2 in a month or so. "Pulling a Britney" as it were. Not a good thing on many levels. I do think it would be funny, however, to tell my Program on April 1st that I'm expecting again. Just to see their faces. But don't worry, Winston, I won't. ;)
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One of our wonderful nurses got me an ornament for Christmas. It is a little doctor's coat, replete with a stethoscope, reflex hammer, etc., There is even a little nameplate over the pocket that has "Dr. H*re" engraved into it. I love it and hung it on our tree immediately. The other night, mom told me about another ornament I had once hung on a tree.
When we were kids, she was in charge of the Primary (the kids organization at our Church). She had planned a Christmas Program for the Christmas party. She was dressed up as a large green tree, and each of the kids would come up and place an ornament on her tree. Every ornament was a symbol of one of the names of the Savior. I remember this all in the hazy way of many childhood memories.
Mom was going through old albums and pictures, when she stumbled across the pages from that year. She found a picture of me hanging my ornament upon the tree. "What do you think you hung on the tree?" "I don't know." "A Stethoscope. A symbol of the Savior as the Great Healer."
So this year, as I hang my stethoscope around my neck instead of on a tree, I'll try to think about things that are bigger than me, and how much I believe in God's plan for my life.
Merry Christmas, everyone! May you have family, and Christmas Carols, and more twinkle lights than you know what to do with. :)
